Today was a good day. Nothing too out of the ordinary really. No drama, no mess. Lots of amazing-ness.

Stephen made 500 dollars today, so our rent for this month is covered after the 400 we already had saved up.

Life is good.
Unfortunately he doesn't feel well and has been kind of sick since he got home. I think he's wearing himself out a little. He had just lain down in bed, and then his sister called and asked if he could go pick her up. No biggie. Every day I see something new about him that I love. He's such a family man. He he's out right now at 3:50 driving to Pearland, after taking 2 Ibuprofen and 2 Tylenol PM's.

I can't fall asleep when he isn't here so I figured I would get up and write some. It's always been such a liberating thing to do. Sit and type whatever comes to mind.

I was thinking earlier about old times. It screwed with my head. I can't help but remember life a year 1/2 ago.

I honestly don't miss Chris at all. Getting out of that abusive situation was the best thing I ever did, but I wish I had closed things more than I had. I suppose it may sound shallow and stupid to some, but I honestly just want all my belongings back!
Oh well. I think they're probably long gone by now.


On July 1st, Stephen and I's one year anniversary will be happening. It's incredible to think of how much our lives have both changed in the year 1/2 since we met, and fell in love. We've gone through hurricane's, friends, fads, jobs, vehicles, apartments. Our opinions and views have changed and we've both matured so much.

I don't know where my life would be if I was without him. He's the one that turned my life back around without even trying. I was on a horrible road when we met, and I'm so glad that we chaged each other like we have. Neither of us was in the best spot in our lives, but somehow we've managed to make it work.


For awhile, I had forgotten what my passions were. My whole life became about where I could find money and where I could find Cocaine.
It hurts to admit the things I did, but at the same time I think it's somewhat therapeutic.



I was never one for doing drugs. EVER. February 2008, all of that changed. Chris and I had just broken up, and I was living with my mom temporarily. The relationship had left me drained, and feeling worthless. Just 3 shorts days after the breakup, I had my first joint.
I never was one for weed. It just didn't appeal to me. I got high, and made some big mistakes, and did some things I regret.

In March, I was having a fling with a guy named Justin. This was also the month I met Stephen. One day, in the end of March, I pawned both of my cameras. Why? To buy Justin coke. I remember laying on Rachael's floor that night, crying. I had pawned my cameras! The things that meant the most to me in the world. The things I never go anywhere without. I felt more alone than ever.
I didn't do any at first, but when I bought even more the next day I tried it for the first time.
I remember it vividly. Driving to Scarsdale in the back of Jake's car. Rachael and Jake in front, and Justin and I in back. I was on the drivers side behind Jake. We were doing somewhere around 90 on the way back down 45 to League City. The back of that car is where I snorted my first bump.

I remember being proud of myself. Oh yeah I took it like a champ. All at once, didn't spill any. From that moment on I was addicted. That was also the first night I tried ecstasy. I only did X 5 or so times, but that was enough. It led to even more things I regret and wish I could block out of memory.

Coke is the only one I did, that I really loved.
It got to the point where I bought a 40 a night on average. Most night's even more than that.
The days I got paid, I went straight to Jake's and bought an 8 ball.

I remember one night at a party at his house, I went upstairs and was planning on leaving before doing any. I saw Justin and he asked if he could have some of the 60 I just bought, so we went in the bathroom and did it in two lines. Like I said, I was a champ. Oh I could snort that shit for days. You'de never believe some of the lines Rachael, Justin and I would do..

I got into contact with an old friend of mine, and was getting it for free at this point. I'd drive to Galveston every night and do around an 8ball, and then drive straight to work every day at 7am.
I think there were some points where I didn't sleep for days. At one point, late one night sitting by the water near Justin's house, I dropped him off and he asked where I was going to go, and I said Galveston where else. And he actually begged me not to. He said "Honestly when I first got you to try it, I never thoght you would get this bad with it"

That was definitely a kick in the face. The guy that introduced me to coke, telling me I was doing too much. It hurt. And it scared me.


The one thing though, that ever convinced me to stop was Stephen and I having a discussion, and him telling me "Cocaine is one of those things, where you either quit, or you die. There is no, 'doing it your whole life' like weed and some other things. You either quit, or it kills you"



I own this man my life. It would have killed me. I would have died. Soon. I know it. The last time I ever did it was July 25th. My ex boyfriend Chris' birthday. I haven't talked to him since that day, and I don't ever plan on it.
In a way I think that realizing I was too good for those things, made me realize that I'm too good for Chris. I always knew it, but somewhere in my head it still hurt.
It hasn't hurt since.

Today is May 29th, 2009. Just a little over a year later.
Last March, Rachael and I combined spent well over 3 grand on drugs alone.
This March, we hardly talked.

Jake is in Prison. Our coke dealer Garrett has gone clean, and Justin is attending Job Corp.
I don't think I talk to anyone out of that group anymore. I certainly don't see them every night like I did a year ago. I'm no longer spending at least 200 dollars on liquor every few nights, to fund a bunch of parties. I no longer depend on cocaine to get me through the day.

My life is defintely drastically different now than it was then. And it's all thanks to one man.


We really have been through a lot of rough patches in this short while we've been together, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. These rough patches have paved the way for a wonderful life together. I love him. Plain and simple. The only thing I want to do, is give him something as amazing as he has given me. Alas, it's impossible.
What can you possibly give someone, that is as good as freedom? As good as love? As good as life? Let alone a good life.
He's deserves all the best in this world. I will never hurt him. I will never have the heart to. He's the first man that has ever made me feel as loved, and as worthy of it, as he does.

How do you possibly repay something like that?


I know that over the years we have together, things may change. We may never get married, or have children, and we may not live the rest of our lives side by side. But if that is the road that we continue down, I defintely won't mind. I'm lucky to have known him and had him in my life. And if you know him, so are you.

I know that this blog will likely leave some people thinking less of me than they had before, and that's alright. I'm strong enough to understand..
What I really want to accomplish with this, is that I hope everyone, before going to bed tonight, thinks about the people that have touched their lives in one way or another.

I want you to think about some of the bad times, and then remember the people who helped pull you through them.
I want you to think about the good times, and remember the people who were right there by your side for them.

I also want you to think about your life, and realize that whatever comes your way, you can make it. You are strong enough. You are brave and worthy of all the best things this life has to offer. NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF.

Anything that you want is right there in front of you, you just have to work for it and make a concious decision to try to get it.

Some of you may not be as lucky as I am, to have someone like Stephen who will believe in you no matter what, and tell you all the best things, and be ever so optimistic. I promise though, that you will find that person.



Now that I've thoroughly made this blog into a huge rant, I just want to take a moment of my time to thank a couple people that mean the most to me, and always will.

Stephen - You are quite posssibly the love of my life. You are my shining star. I tell you these things all of the time, so I know that you're probably sick of hearing them, but I love you so much. Meeting you was the best thing that could have happened to me, and I feel so lucky to be your first real love. I am so touched and blessed to have you. I want to be with you as long as you possibly will have me.

Metzery - Metzy, you're the best friend I've ever had. You've never left my side, and even the one time that we fought, we missed each other the whole time. You have helped me through more bad times than I wish to remember, and been next to me for more good times than I can count. I love you with all my heart, and you will always be my soulmate

Chelsey - I can say the same thigns for you that I have for Metzy. Us three have been so close for so many years, and I don't know what I would do without you. Of all the people I have ever known, you are the most trusting sincere woman I know. You're one of the best friends I could ever hope to have, and I know that our frienship will last a lifetime.

There are a ton more people that I will always love, and trust me if you think you're on that list then you are. I lvoe all of my friends, and I hope that if anything, at least one person can learn from my mistakes, and know that you are loved, and that you are amazing. Whoever you are.